Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

Time	Event
1:36p	Paranoia In a few hours, at 3pm, is my appiontment to go and talk to the social worker to determine if I'm "unfit to work" due to social phobias and anxiety.... I worry about how it will go. I don't know if being myself will be convincing enough, or show how bad I really am, considering I have a great defense set-up.... Most people have no idea how scared I really am,because I hide it under good conversational abilities and wit. The only thing is, the reason I do that for the most part is.... Well, it's like.... Crowd pleasing? I feel that if I amuse them enough, then maybe they'll like me and not notice how fucked up I am... My stomach is upset. I'm tired, but I can't go back to sleep. Michi told me to read Kushiel's Dart, but I don't know if I want to. For one, I don't wanna read anything else until I finish His Dark Materials, and two, I'm not sure yet if it's really something I want to read... Now, granted, I love fantasy novels, I love angels and weird takes on religion, I love historically themed pieces, and I want to get into BDSM type things.... And this book has all of them.... I've also heard really good things about it that were from people I trust who aren't Michi and Pengu, whose opinions don't count, because IMO all they read is ANY 'supernatural' smut out there.... But.... I just don't know how I feel about reading a book where the main character is a masochist.... I mean... I want to read books like the Story of O, and the Beauty series.... Books where people who aren't originally into that kind of thing are thrown into it and 'trained'..... I'm more interested in the psychological breakdown and rebuild concept, and more into the DS of BDSM than the SM.... So I'm not sure if reading a book about someone who inherently 'likes' it is going to be my cup of tea.... I don't want to read it for the sex, and really it seems that's what most of the focus is on..... If I was just interested in violent sex, I could DL hentai or something, y'know? I think I'm just gonna go lay down again.... I still don't feel very good. Sorry for not being online last night. Michi got off work at 9pm, and we actually spent the evening together for once. It was nice. I've said it before, but the most of my online time is on the weekends, when Michi works nights. During the week, it's hit or miss. BTW: Aiji, post pictures somewhere on here of your 'ink markings' please? I hate MySpace, and generally, Michi's always logged in on her account and gets pissed if anyone signs her off. God, my keyboard is acting gay again.... x_X;; Current Mood: sick, in many forms Current Music: Lacuna Coil - The Game (1 Comment | Comment on this)
11:09p	SO..... Just got out of the interview thing. Going back next week to talk to a psychologist. Dunno what'll come of it, yet, though. Typing this out on my phone. Istead of going back home, I ended up going to Michi's work with her, because she had to leave partway through her shit to take me over there. So I'm sitting in a back corner, watching people eat, and feeling awkward as hell. I got offered fries, but turned them down... I don't wanna get up now that I'm here. OH THANK GOD. Michi came over and offered me a drink, I'm so thirsty. I'm such a wuss, though. There's people here who wanna talk to me, but I can't move. I keep coughing, and I hate it. Makes me think people will stare. I don't know how much it'll let me type, but I'm hoping it'l let me do it for a little while longer. It's good to have a distraction. The only thing I have with me is Kushiel's Dart, because I grabbed it on the way out. I don't really wanna read it, like I said before, but since I didn't know I was coming here after, I didn't think... Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Fast food muzak... (Comment on this)
11:09p	ran out of room I don't know if the phone has a typing limit, or if it's the online posting that does.... Either way, I probably won't post much more, because I don't want eight million entries for today.... Still havenlt gotten my drink. Oh yes, and there was a glass shard in my shoe this morning. It was smallish, but long, and I had to dig it out of my foot with my fingernails.... Don't have a band aid, either. Joy. It's very warm, because I'm sitting by a window and wearing two shirts... I hate being warm. Now, what I was saying before... I wish I'd known I was coming here, because then I coulda grabbed my other book, my DS, my drawing stuff, and my headphones for my phone... But I didn't. So I have nothing to do but finish the space in this entry, hope I get TXTed, and try to convince myself to read that Kushiel book.... God, I'm hungry. I have half a sandwich here that Michi gave me, but I'd feel retarded eating in public, and worse because I'm alone. So I'll just sit here staring at it, wishing I wasn't so dumb.... Current Mood: thirsty Current Music: Still muzak... (Comment on this)

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