InsaneJournal

Current mood:	sick, in many forms
Current music:	Lacuna Coil - The Game

Paranoia
In a few hours, at 3pm, is my appiontment to go and talk to the social worker to determine if I'm "unfit to work" due to social phobias and anxiety.... I worry about how it will go. I don't know if being myself will be convincing enough, or show how bad I really am, considering I have a great defense set-up.... Most people have no idea how scared I really am,because I hide it under good conversational abilities and wit. The only thing is, the reason I do that for the most part is.... Well, it's like.... Crowd pleasing? I feel that if I amuse them enough, then maybe they'll like me and not notice how fucked up I am...

My stomach is upset. I'm tired, but I can't go back to sleep. Michi told me to read Kushiel's Dart, but I don't know if I want to. For one, I don't wanna read anything else until I finish His Dark Materials, and two, I'm not sure yet if it's really something I want to read... Now, granted, I love fantasy novels, I love angels and weird takes on religion, I love historically themed pieces, and I want to get into BDSM type things.... And this book has all of them.... I've also heard really good things about it that were from people I trust who aren't Michi and Pengu, whose opinions don't count, because IMO all they read is ANY 'supernatural' smut out there.... But.... I just don't know how I feel about reading a book where the main character is a masochist.... I mean... I want to read books like the Story of O, and the Beauty series.... Books where people who aren't originally into that kind of thing are thrown into it and 'trained'..... I'm more interested in the psychological breakdown and rebuild concept, and more into the DS of BDSM than the SM.... So I'm not sure if reading a book about someone who inherently 'likes' it is going to be my cup of tea.... I don't want to read it for the sex, and really it seems that's what most of the focus is on..... If I was just interested in violent sex, I could DL hentai or something, y'know?

I think I'm just gonna go lay down again.... I still don't feel very good.

Sorry for not being online last night. Michi got off work at 9pm, and we actually spent the evening together for once. It was nice.
I've said it before, but the most of my online time is on the weekends, when Michi works nights. During the week, it's hit or miss.

BTW: Aiji, post pictures somewhere on here of your 'ink markings' please? I hate MySpace, and generally, Michi's always logged in on her account and gets pissed if anyone signs her off.

God, my keyboard is acting gay again.... x_X;;